So much rage

So here’s something that makes me want to TEAR MY FUCKING HAIR OUT.

 

 

Every time a rape case involves minors and alcohol, there’s always this huge focus on the “drunken minors” side of it.

 

 

 

“Why had she consumed that amount of alcohol in the first place?”

 

“Why were all these kids drinking without parental supervision?”

 

“Who served these kids alcohol? Where were their parents?”

 

 

 

As if the issue here is the underage drinking, and not the fucking rape.

 

 

What the fuck kind of fucking skewed-up miserable perspective on the world have you people got? Christ. Can you turn the focus back to the fucking RAPE please?

 

 

GET THIS. During my teens, I drank, regularly. My parents couldn’t stop me, because kids will always do what they want to do. The self-righteous “I-blame-the-parents” brigade is made up of people who’ve never had to parent a wilful and rebellious teenager. If they did, they’d be eating their words pretty fucking quickly.

 

 

Also, I had lots of male friends. Some of these friendships were platonic. Some were sexual, to varying degrees.

 

 

During my teenage years, I passed out plenty of times. PEOPLE WHO DRINK PASS OUT. IT HAPPENS. MOST OF YOU VICTIM-BLAMERS HAVE PROBABLY PASSED OUT FROM DRINKING AT SOME STAGE. AND I BET YOU’D BE PRETTY PISSED OFF IF SOMEONE HAD TAKEN THAT OPPURTUNITY TO UNDRESS YOU, PHOTOGRAPH YOU AND INSERT THINGS INTO YOUR ORIFICES.

 

Think about that you fucking cunts.

 

 

So anyway, when I passed out, my male friends, y’know, didn’t rape me while I was unconscious. Because they’re not fucking rapists.

 

 

They brought me glasses of water and took care of me. I, in turn, did the same for them when they passed out and didn’t undress and photograph them, or urinate on their unconscious bodies, and photograph the incident and send the photos around.

 

 

Because sexual assault isn’t some natural by-product of underage drinking you fucking twats.

 

Vomit is a natural by-product of underage drinking.

 

Sexual assault is a terrible fucking crime committed by terrible fucking people.

 

 

So can we please turn the conversation back to the fucking RAPISTS instead of acting as if underage drinking is to blame for all this.

 

 

Underage drinking is problematic, and worth discussing. But a rape case is not the place for that discussion. Keep the focus on the goddamn rapists where it belongs.

 

 

Fucking blaming the alcohol, blaming the victim, blaming the parents….

 

If woman can have abortions, men should be allowed “legal” abortions.

I’ve heard this argument pop up from time to time, mostly from pro-choice guys, and I’m starting to develop a twitch every time I hear it, so I better have a little rant about it here to let the irritation out.

“Should men have the right to a legal abortion? If women have the right to end a pregnancy because they’re not ready, shouldn’t men have the right to forgo all responsibility if they don’t feel ready? Where’s their choice?”

There’s a certain level of debate which becomes completely theoretical, where the discussion totally loses touch with the real world, and I think this issue is a perfect example of that.

Theoretically, there are plenty of arguments I would make against the above statement – one being that there is a difference between an insentient zygote and a living, breathing child wondering why their friends have Daddies and they don’t, or going without presents at Christmas because their mother can barely afford to pay the bills. The belief that there is a crucial difference between a zygote and a child lies at the heart of the belief that abortion should be legal, so to suddenly disregard that difference when attempting to defend turning your back on a child seems somewhat baffling to me.

My second argument would be that the responsibilities demanded of a man are rather less than those demanded of a woman. In fact, the only responsibility a man is, by law, obliged to fulfil is to pay maintenance every month. So even in a magical hypothetical land where this always actually happens, the risks and responsibilities undertaken by the woman (even if she puts the child up for adoption, the nine months of bearing/birthing it can and will risk her career, education, social life, relationships, physical and mental health, continence and even life) are somewhat different, to put it mildly.

But forget the theorizing and hypothetical debates for a minute and let’s return to the real world for a minute.

In the context of the real world in which we all live, think about the statement “Shouldn’t men have a way to a “legal abortion”? A way to escape all their responsibility to their child?”

I mean, SERIOUSLY GUYS, think of all the guys who knock a girl up and then decide they want sweet fuck all to do with her and the kid? If only these poor blokes had the option to simply walk away?

OH WAIT. Right. That happens EVERY DAY.

I mean, think of all the guys who never want to give the mother of their child a single penny? If only there was a way those men could just go on with their own lives and never see their child or give the mother any help or money…..

OH WAIT. Yeah. THAT HAPPENS TOO.

Like, seriously guys. IF ONLY MEN HAD THE OPTION TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE KID – are you fucking kidding me?

What world do you live in like? This isn’t one of those issues where it’s like, oh I know a friend of a friend who’s neighbour’s sister’s da walked out. This is one of those issues where if you asked me to think of a father who offered no support, finanicial or otherwise, I could say; Oh yeah, my brother’s father. Both my closest friends fathers. My cousin’s father. The girl who sat next to me in maths in school – her father, and her baby’s father.

There is an epidemic of these men. And this is in 21^st century Ireland – let’s not even start on the role of absent “fathers” in developing societies.

“But those guys could be brought to court by any of those women and forced to pay child support” – oh yeah, wow, my heart bleeds for them. Anyway, while that might work in theory, in reality, it’s not that simple – going through a court case while trying to single-handedly raise a child, forcing people to pay even after they’re ordered to (many people simply don’t, and get away with it.) And anyway, they should be forced to pay. Like I said before, it’s a fucking child – it’s a human being who needs to eat and go to school and wear clothes, and contributing some money towards those costs is the only responsibility their father is obliged to fulfil. And, I believe, the only one they should be obliged. If men don’t want to be fathers, they shouldn’t be forced to (just like women shouldn’t be forced to be mothers). If people don’t want to dedicate themselves to their child, the child is better off without them, in my opinion. But they should contribute some money towards the child’s keep. That. Is. All. That’s it. It’s the bare fucking minimum.

But a lot of men don’t. They don’t bring up their child; they don’t even contribute any money to their child. That is the reality.

If a man decides he doesn’t want to be a father, he can simply walk away. Men do this all the time.

This country is full of single women raising kids with absolutely no support, not even the most minimal financial support, from the man who got her pregnant.

And one last time – this is a child, not a zygote. It is my prerogative to view anyone (male or female) who abandons their child in this world without them with disrespect and disgust.

So excuse me if I don’t go rushing off to fight for a man’s right not to take any responsibility for his child any time soon.

March for Justice for Survivors of Abuse, Dublin

I was delighted to hear that some innovative people are organising a March for Justice for Survivors of Abuse (https://www.facebook.com/events/405305209558281/)

There’s been a lot of public outrage at some of the shockingly lenient sentences handed down recently, and it’s wonderful to see that anger turned into action.

We live in a society where possessions are considered more important than people, and it’s reflected in our justice system. We live in a society where tax evasion is treated more seriously than sexual assault. Where Judges hand down short, suspended sentences to vicious, abusive criminals who are a danger to others. We live in a society where people who make the difficult decision to seek justice for assaults are frankly insulted by the system.

It has amazed me for a long time that the perpetrators of violence, sexual or otherwise, so rarely face consequences. So many people don’t even bring cases to court; and I’m starting to understand why. Their attackers, if convicted at all, are given short sentences – when they aren’t suspended completely, that is.

Women, men and children who are beaten, sexually assaulted, raped, left in hospital with dislocated jaws and fractured skulls, are left suffering their whole lives with post-traumatic stress syndrome, while the people who inflict these injuries upon them walk free.

We need to send the message that people matter.  That destroying another human beings life is actually a fucking serious crime and warrants a serious sentence. That destroying another human beings life automatically makes you a danger to society, irrespective of what some out of touch judge thinks. Paedophiles, rapists, or anyone who’s kicked another person in the head so badly they fractured their skull, is a danger to society – “mitigating factors” be damned.

Judges have proven again and again that they cannot be trusted to make the right decisions. Guidelines must be put in place when it comes to sentencing for sexual abuse cases – and, in my opinion, for assault cases in general. People have a right to feel safe in society, and people who threaten the physical safety of others should absolutely be put behind bars. People who abuse children should not have 75% of their sentence suspended – its common sense, something I wish more judges had. I’m so happy to see people fighting this. Keep up the good work guys.

Undressing, molesting and photographing your unconscious friend is “crappy”, but boys will be boys.

Okay so I haven’t posted in a while, because I haven’t come across anything that made me feel strongly enough. I considered deleting this blog, which I seem to do with all my blogs pretty soon after making them. I write-write-write, about whatever it is that’s bothering me, get it all out of my system – then the blog has served its purpose, and I get bored. But maybe I’ll keep this one for just a little while longer. After reading these particular comments, I just couldn’t hold in my disgust.

Okay, so brief background – these comments were on an article about the Savannah Dietrich case. When Savannah was sixteen, she was sexually assaulted by two boys she had thought were her friends. There was a small party in her home and she and the other teenagers were drinking. Eventually everyone left except her and the two boys. Savannah had had too much to drink; she went into the kitchen to make herself food, but fell unconscious on the kitchen floor. She woke without underwear on, and later discovered that not only had her so-called friends undressed her while she was unconscious, molested her and digitally penetrated her, they had taken photos of her while doing so and sent them around to their mutual friends.

These kinds of disgusting assaults often go unreported as girls are too humiliated, or are in denial, or – terribly – believe they will be blamed for putting themselves in a vulnerable position by getting too drunk in the first place. Blaming the vulnerable for being vulnerable, instead of blaming the bastard who takes advantage of their vulnerability, is a despicable but common phenomenon of our culture. Luckily Savannah turned out to be a brave and determined young woman who reported the crime and fought for justice, despite the many obstacles that faced her. The full story of the trial and the injustices she faced is an interesting one and worth a read, but it is not what I want to discuss here today.

What I want to do is take a look at some of these opinions on the assault.

One commenter offers this gem of wisdom – sexual assault may be “crappy”, but the real crime here is underage drinking. Oh, and that crazy rap music these kids are listening to nowadays.

“That was really crappy what the kids did, but they are kids. If you don’t want kids acting this way, stop feeding them pornography and misogynistic music. None of them were suppose to be drinking in the first place, so maybe they should go after whoever supplied them with the booze.”

I think of all my male friends at sixteen. They all drank. They were all brought up in our culture of pornography and misogynistic music. And yet on the occasions I got too drunk, as everyone does at some point, my friends amazingly did not sexually assault me. They took care of me and brought me glasses of water, because they are decent human beings and not sex offenders. What those kids did was not just “crappy”, it was sexual assault. I find it ironic that someone had the audacity to complain about “misogynistic” music in the same breath as they defend sex offenders – the only misogynist here is you.

Another commenter agrees and suggests that the attackers aren’t to blame but the victim’s parents.

“Those kids have done something the girl’s parents probably never will…. they admitted their wrong-doing. Where were the girl’s parents?? This happened in HER house! Where’d they’d get the alcohol? They apparently did nothing to prevent this… did nothing to protect their daughter. They’re lucky she wasn’t raped with a sexual organ or 5, then killed to keep her quiet!”

That’s right parents. It’s not the attackers fault. They’re just poor boys who can’t control their urges, after all. It’s your’s. In fact, you’re LUCKY if you’re kid is assaulted by just two attackers instead of five. Count your blessings.

I can only assume this man does not have teenage kids. What fucking fairy-land do these people live in where they believe parents can watch their children 24/7 and control their every action? And if we do assume that all parents are responsible for all their childrens behaviour, then why not blame the parents of the attackers, instead of the girl who was attacked?

Oh that’s right. We live in a culture of victim-blaming.

And now for my personal favourite… Bear in mind this charming comment was written by the same man who valiantly criticised pornography and misogynistic music.

“What sixteen year old hasn’t stuck his fingers into a drunk girl? The only difference is today we have cameras on our phones to snap photos. These kids need to be punished, but as kids, they don’t need to spend a decade in a prison for being kids. Have some mercy.”

Lovely.

I can only assume he is alluding to consensual acts between drunken teenagers when he says that most sixteen year olds have stuck their fingers into drunk girls, as he so charmingly puts it. Either that or he’s suggesting that the majority of teenage boys routinely wait until their friends are unconscious before digitally penetrating them unbeknown to them. That’s just too disturbing for words, so I’m going to go with my first assumption – which is disturbing enough in itself. It shows a frightening lack of distinction between consensual and non-consensual acts. Does this man honestly believe that a young, happy couple drinking a few beers and experimenting with each other in a safe, loving way – the kind of memory people look back on fondly – is on a par with two boys stripping and assaulting their unconscious friend, before taking photos of her exposed body and sending them around their school, humiliating her and leaving her with severe emotional scars?

Or, as he calls it, just “being kids.” Sexual assault? Just kids being kids. So what, they molested her. Digitally penetrated her. Took a few pics. Big deal! Boys will be boys. Can’t go punishing them for it, can we? Stop making such a fuss.

Or, as their defence lawyer told Savannah, just “get over it.”

(Also, I have no idea where he got his “decade in prison” idea from – as far as I know neither of the boys actually ended up serving any prison time. Naturally.)

Why don’t we talk about asexuality?

It makes me sad that so few people in our society understand the concept of asexuality. In fact, I’m pretty sure a lot of people have never even heard the word. That includes some asexuals themselves. It must be tough for asexual teenagers growing up in our oversexualised society. Constantly bombarded with images and stories of sex, sex, sex, I can only imagine it’s very difficult to admit that you, personally, have no interest in this act that everyone else is obsessing over. It must be especially confusing for young adolescents who’ve never even heard of asexuality, wondering why they dont have sexual feelings and thinking there is something wrong with them.

In our society where sex is considered all-important, an asexual can be seen as someone to pity. I must admit, at first the thought of a life without sex seemed to me very bleak, but that’s a silly, narrow-minded conclusion to leap to. David Jay, the founder of the website AVEN (Asexual Visibility & Education Network), is in a romantic relationship with another asexual, and hopes to have children in later life. He says that while he and his partner are not interested in sexuality, “We want to be able to connect with people and be happy. Sex is just one beautiful way to connect. Some asexual people still experience a strong desire for touch. Cuddling could be part of that. When it comes to relationships, sexuality is just one tiny sliver of the pie.”

I thought this way a beautiful way of putting it, and quite eye-opening. It got me thinking about all the wonderful parts of a relationship that don’t include sex, and about some of the difficulties surrounding sex. I’m paraphrasing here, but Stephen King once spoke about older couple enjoying closeness without “the prickliness that seems to be at the heart of many sexual relationships.” I know the exact “prickliness” he’s talking about, and for all your relationships to be free of that complication  may be one of the bonuses of asexual existence. There are pro’s and con’s to everything in life.

Anyway, I just think it’s such a shame that people still see asexuality as a problem, or a disorder, something to be fixed, pitied or ashamed of. It is none of these things. One girl on the AVEN site briefly reels off the top ten responses to her asexuality, and her response to them. How sad that asexuality is so misunderstood. Why should that asexual teens be left feeling alone, confused and ashamed? I don’t understand why we as a society don’t talk about this more.

THE TOP TEN RESPONSES TO ASEXUALITY

#10: “You hate men.” This is not true. Most of my friends are men. And if it WERE true, I don’t see how it would make me asexual..

#9: “You can’t get a man.” This is not true either. I have had many propositions for everything from sex to long-term relationships, and I venture to say a line would form if I announced I wanted a man THAT way.

#8: “You have a hormone problem.” I’d rephrase that to say “I have a low production of hormones,” and it might be true. I do not consider it a problem. If I WANTED to have the opportunity to become twitterpated, I might request a libido-enhancing drug, but I don’t see any PROBLEM here.

#7: “You’re overly involved in your own busy life.” I accept that “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” (John Lennon). I AM very busy, but what takes up my time varies from month to month. It could easily vary in this direction if I was so inclined–I would never turn down the possibility of happiness if I did indeed think a situation promised it.

#6: “You just never had me in your bed.” A fairly common comment cocky males make. Stupid people really do think that I just haven’t been tagged by the right stud, when in fact the “problem” is that I don’t find studs attractive. They seem to answer this by drawing attention to . . . how studly they are. It’s a vicious cycle that leaves them standing there flexing their muscles and me running to my computer to write an article mentioning how stupid they are.

#5: “You are afraid of getting into a relationship.” I should probably point out that I have many close relationships with other people, many of whom are male. I don’t have intimacy issues. I just don’t appreciate sexual relationships and consider myself outside the whole phenomenon.

#4: “You were sexually abused as a child.” A very common suggestion. An entirely untrue suggestion. Next.

#3: “You are a lesbian.” For some reason people can understand that I’m not interested in penises, but only if they can project my hypothetical feelings onto a buried desire for vaginas. Being gay is fairly acceptable these days–actually, much more so than being nonsexual–so I venture to say if I WAS a lesbian I’d come out. It just isn’t the case.

#2: “You just haven’t met the right guy.” Maybe I haven’t. But it’s not fair to assume that there is one, or that my life won’t be complete unless I do meet him.

#1: “Aww, did you just get out of a bad relationship?” That’s the most common suggestion–I’ve obviously been hurt, scarred by a bad experience, and have sworn off men as a result. No.

I’ve been served with many other suggestions, such as the accusation that I’m just trying to be weird, that it’s all right that I’m “saving myself,” that I’m denying the proper plan that God or nature has for my body, that I ought to have therapy, that I’m a big freak because I don’t get horny. Overall, I don’t see why so many people can’t believe that I don’t want sex, or think that it’s such a big deal. To me, it would be a non-issue except for the fact that everyone MAKES it an issue. So everyone’s making it an issue is an issue for me.

I’d like to state here and now that I think my sexual orientation is an unrecognized fourth categorization, along with heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual. It isn’t an “undecided” or a “none of the above”; it is actually a legitimate fourth choice–it is not “no sexual orientation,” but rather a “sexual orientation of ‘no.'” No thank you; please pass the potatoes. 

(full piece available here http://www.asexuality.org/home/node/26 )

I think it’s time we started talking about asexuality openly.

As a side-note – while I was writing this article I realised my spell-check does not recognise the word “asexual”. A telling little detail.

Thanks for reading.

Clever people who use big, clever words

Oscar Wilde – “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”

I get so very irritated by people who talk so much, yet say so little.

Also, you can use all the big words in the world, but owning a thesaurus does not make your point more valid.

Worse still are people who talk at enormous length because they’d rather imply something than just get to the point. Stating their opinion straight out would make it too easy for someone to disagree – they feel safer just hinting at it, without ever opening declaring any kind of stance they might then have to defend.

I might talk at length to explain my opinion, but when asked my opinion I’m not afraid to state it directly… Unless of course, it’s an issue I don’t know enough about to have any opinion on.

When I see people hiding their prejudices behind over-written articles full of academic language and seeming intelligent points, I want to scream. Just bloody come out and say what you really think. At least when someone says, “God hates fags,” it’s easy to recognise them as a bigot. But when they hide behind convoluted phrases and complicated, off-the-point arguments, it can be harder to see them for what they really are….

Ugh. Frustrating.

Something positive

Wooo, I actually really like this blog so far. I’m sure I’ll give it up eventually, just like my others, but I’m enjoying it right now.

So, here’s something that redeems my faith in humanity – the fact that this video has 44,790 likes so far on Youtube. It’s a little sad but ultimately uplifting, and makes me all teary every time I watch it. Check it out.